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Influences

I try to stay out of the mainstream gossip as much as possible, but having a Facebook account makes that nearly impossibe. I can guarantee if I didn’t have Facebook, I would have no idea who Justin Bieber is. But i do know who he is and I have heard of all his horrible antics. Driving under the influence is just so cool….

Lots of people are talking about how he is just a “poor kid” and needs to be “saved”. That we shouldn’t judge him and that we should pray for him and embrace him. They want to see him released and let off. He’s just a kid. To that I say, RIDICULOUS!

He is 19, an adult. And he made decisions that could have killed someone. Have you ever seen someone die? I have. I watched a man, a father and loving husband, die right before my eyes. He was hit by a drunk driver. That driver was 19. Would people still be feeling sorry for Bieber if his actions had killed someone? Do they realize a slap on the wrist will only validate his feelings of invincibility. Being untouchable…

Another thing people often say is that Miley and Bieber are not influences on our youth. If they do have an influence on our youth then it is the parent who has failed to do their job. How is that so? Everybody is influenced by their environment. The media is part of that. Unless a parent keeps their child with them 24/7 and don’t allow them to watch TV, leave the house, or visit friends, it is impossible to keep them from being influenced by something. Even Bieber and Miley.

If you say that these people are not influences, I’d have to say that you are completely oblivious. If a stranger told your child that they shouldn’t play with this toy or that one, you would likely step in and say something if you disagreed because you know it could have an impact on your child. Have you had your child come up and ask you why someone said something or announce that so and so said that this is true. Clearly they are being influenced.

Even adults are highly influenced by the media. They are getting plastic surgery to change their image. They are scheduling cesareans because it’s what the celebs do. They are having botox and practicing parenting techniques they heard their favorite celeb talk about. To say that our kids are not influenced when we adults are, is absurd. And to say it’s all the fault of the parent? So even when they are influenced as an adult it’s still because mom and dad failed us? 

As a parent, we do our best to ensure that are children are surrounded by positive influences. We cut people out of our lives to prevent them from being an influence. We change our lifestyles to make sure we are good influences. But the media is everywhere. Magazines at the store, Miley and Bieber dolls, TV, radio and etc. We can try to steer our child in another direction but our kids, just like you and I, are unique individuals. They are capable of coming to their own conclusions and thinking their own thoughts. Not everything we say is going to get through to them. 

I agree that it is not Bieber or Miley’s responsibility to care for our kids. I would never EVER ask one of them to or want them to. But unfortunately they are influences. And they started out as influences to our youth targeting the younger generation. I’m not saying their life is easy trying to leave behind the childish image but I don’t feel sorry for them for all the negative backlash they are receiving. They chose this path. They chose to be in the spotlight. They should just accept that spotlight and fame come with people being in their business. 

They should also, as should many celebs, take responsibility for their actions. Sadly we don’t have many people in the spotlight that we can look up to. And if we do, I may just not be aware because I try to stay away from all that. But feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.

Life

Life is unexpected. Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out and under control, BAM! Curve ball! You find out just how strong you are during these times. And for each of us, the curve balls seem never ending and we can’t imagine anyone having it any worse than we do right now.

Funny isn’t it? How we are so consumed in ourselves that, even though we know others have it worse, we can’t see it. If that starving family living on the street isn’t sitting on your porch, it’s as if that issue doesn’t exist. You’re able to push the thought from your mind. And why shouldn’t we? It’s not our problem. We aren’t starving. Those aren’t our kids or our family members.

I really don’t know where I was going with that. I think that if I keep focusing on other people’s issues, I can forget that my life is full of issues in itself. I am very aware that my issues seem trivial to some but to others, when they think of people who have it worse than them, they think “At least I’m not her.”

It’s been awhile since I last posted. Why? Life threw my family yet another curve ball. My fiancee was diagnosed with testicular cancer. It just happened so fast. Appointment on Tuesday, rushed in Wednesday to schedule surgery for Thursday, and now we are recovering. Waiting for today’s oncologists appointment to tell us if the cancer is gone or if they need to take another testicle.

Even if they don’t need to do more surgery, they may recommend he do chemo as a precaution. Chemo can leave him sterile. I know, I’m lucky to have one child and I have one on the way. That’s more than enough and many would give anything for one, but two is a far cry from the 5 or 6 we had envisioned in our future.

Of course there are ways to get those kids aside from the natural way. I’ve always wanted to adopt. But I’m always worried that I won’t feel the same bond for that child as I do my own natural child. That just wouldn’t be fair to do to the child.

Decisions are always hard. I have never been good at making decisions. I’m more of a do what I’m told kind of gal. So life has been pretty hard since it slapped me in the face with a positive pregnancy test in 2011. And I have been so lucky to have an amazing man who has been here every step of the way. Never wavering or straying. Always doing all that he could to ensure I could stay home with our son and future kids like I’ve always wanted.

I know that he is going to be okay. But it’s hard not to think about what could happen. For instance, my fiancee has already made it clear that if I hadn’t forced him to make the appointment in the first place, he would have went one like nothing was wrong. The doctors told him if he had waited any longer it would have spread. We got lucky. But what if we did wait to long? What if it did spread?

I can’t even imagine what my fiancee is thinking. He isn’t one to talk about it, but if I’m freaking out, I don’t know he can’t be. This whole think seems so surreal. It’s still hard to believe it’s even happening.

Not really sure what else to post….. Life ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride… Gotta love Gary Allan.

Nice Guys Finish Last

Nice guys finish last, I hear it all the time. I find it to be a ridiculous statement personally.

First off, who gets to decide what classifies someone as a “nice guy”? The guy himself? Because it’s always guys that this statement, or so it seems to me. They’re always complaining about how girl’s are always going for the wrong guys because they aren’t going for the guy who’s complaining, who’s a nice guy by his own standards.

How does he decide he’s nice? I mean, I know guys whom I think a great guys and that girls would be lucky to have them, but other gals spend time with these guys and ask me how I could even hang out with them. They think the guys are rude and just plain mean. So I just don’t understand how all guys who are looking for women can decide they are nice guys whom a woman would be lucky to have when you can almost guarantee that someone, somewhere disagrees.

And if women are always going after the “wrong guy”, what does that say about the guy who is always pursuing the woman who clearly wants nothing to do with them? The woman who has decided he is not her type? Just because a gal isn’t with a guy that thinks she should be with him, doesn’t mean that he finishes last, it means he should pursue a woman that isn’t with someone else. That has decided she’s happy with a guy she has chosen.

Instead, guys wait around for women they will never get because she is already happy where she is or has made it fairly clear that she isn’t interested in the guy. But he still tries. And when it doesn’t work for him, well, that’s when “nice guys finish last” comes in.

While men are complaining about not being able to find a nice woman, there are plenty of women whom are never given the chance because they don’t look pretty enough. They aren’t skinny enough. The guy would catch to much crap from his pals if he were seen with this girl. But if he were to get to know her, she is everything he asked for. And they same thing can be said for many unhappy single ladies.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to personal preference. If a guy or gal is unwilling to look outside the box they have created for themselves, then they really have no right to complain about being alone and unhappy. I mean, I’m not one to think people should settle for less or compromise by any means, but if people were more open and accepting towards others, they may find that they aren’t compromising at all and that they have found exactly what it is they have been searching for. Something they have been missing because they were to clouded by what the media and their friends have decided is beautiful or acceptable to be with.

Monster In Law

I decided to start blogging mainly because of my Mother in Law. There are so many things I don’t say that I just need to get off my chest but I can’t do that on Facebook or talking to anyone as it may get back to her and I will have even more issues than I already do. Although this is my first post, it will also be very long so I understand if nobody reads it. I’ll start from the beginning…

I started dating my fiancee a week before I found out I was pregnant. That took place in January of 2011. I had decided the previous August that he was the only guy I wanted and stopped seeing anybody else. It took him a lot longer to decide that I was what he wanted. So now we are “officially” dating and I’m already pregnant. So our first meetings with the parents was to inform them of my pregnancy. I was 20 going on 21 as was he. So it’s not like either of us lived with our parents or were still in highschool. It was just an unplanned pregnancy.

I didn’t expect anyone to be excited for us, nor did we ask for their excitement. I remember meeting his other and she seemed genuinely sweet. Odd, but sincere. She made the comment that she was going o be the child’s favorite grandma(which annoyed me because my mom is much older and it shouldn’t be a competition). She also mentioned about how she wanted to go to an ultrasound. I don’t know how others view ultrasounds, but I see them as very personal, intimate, bonding moments for father, mother and baby. We decided that one ultrasound would be okay though and also invited my mother to tag along. And this, is where it all began….

I called her up and asked her to let me know what her scheduled looked like and when would be the best time to schedule the appointment. I was also working full time in a factory but I ignored my schedule to work with hers, something that could have cost me a good job. After I let her know when the appointment was, I got a call from my fiancee informing that his mother was not happy with me. She told him I purposely scheduled the appointment at a time in which it would be hard for her to make it because I didn’t like her and didn’t want her there. All of which was not true. I was not very happy beings we were doing her a huge favor anyway and then she finds a reason, a false reason, to be ungrateful. 

So we go to the ultrasound. It’s the first ultrasound so I get to be in an even more vulnerable state because they can’t just throw goo on my stomach and see it from the outside. So I am in this room with no pants on and being ‘violated'(for lack of better words) and I let her be there for my moment. Something I didn’t have to do. After the ultrasound she made a comment about how she couldn’t wait to go to the next one. I didn’t want to fight so I decided to just let her go.

So once again, I called her to get her schedule to make the appointment, and once again, she called my fiancee to complain about it. I was getting tired of it but I decided that it would get better once the baby was born.

Our third ultrasound was going to be done by a specialist. Cleft lips and pallets run in my family so I wanted to be prepared. My mom also blames herself for those things occurring so I would need to find out the best way to approach telling her should it be an issue. We didn’t want my mom there or my MIL. We figured if something was determined to be wrong, that it wouldn’t be fair for us to have to comfort our emotional mothers when we are the ones who should be getting reassurance. We tried to explain that to my MIL but she just freaked out so we caved…

At the appointment, the nurse came out to get us. She started to make menial small talk asking who was with me. My MIL, whom is also a nurse, was behind me making rude, snide remarks, “That’s none of her damn business!”. I was extremely embarrassed by her behavior. 

Towards the end of the appointment, our doctor was trying to tell us about some test or something but my MIL kept interrupting him to tell stories and make fun of my fiancee. Eventually the doctor left without giving us the information he was trying to because she wouldn’t stop talking and he had other appointments. I was later informed that we should have been given my son’s Down Syndrome diagnosis at that appointment instead of being blindsided by the diagnosis after his birth. I doesn’t change how we feel about him, we just would have been more prepared and knowledgeable on the subject.

After that ultrasound we gave up on having anymore. We just didn’t want to deal with my MIL. That would have been in June of 2011 and my son was born in Sept. We didn’t talk with my MIL much now that we weren’t having ultrasounds so everything was pretty mellow and relaxed. But that wouldn’t last. We were getting ready for my baby shower! Which was hosted by my sisters and took place at my mother’s house. My mom frequently hosts get togethers so she already had tons of food and plates for the party. My MIL made all the invitations and got our cake, but when she was told we had plenty of plates and she didn’t need to bring any, she started crying about it.

During the party, I overheard her making snide remarks about some of our guests and also talking bad about her 11 year old step daughter who chose to go to the fair with her mother instead of attend the baby shower. I personally don’t know an 11 year old that wouldn’t choose the fair over a baby shower. She told us that she gave her husband an ultimatum, he had to pick between his wife or his daughter as to who attended the next demo derby. Demo derby’s is a huge thing with the step family. HUGE. My MIL isn’t even into them but she knew that would hurt her step daughter the most for not doing what she had wanted her to. She also wanted to take her phone away but that wasn’t in her jurisdiction.

So we finally made it through that mess and once again, there was little to no communication between us and my MIL. She never asked how we were or checked if there was anything we needed. And I was most certainly not going to go out of my way to talk to her when everything I said got turned into something else. 

A few weeks before our son was born, my MIL and I had a bit of an argument. She was a young single mom and my fiancee is her only child. She didn’t have any other kids and he didn’t get a step dad or step siblings until he was 13. There were many things he wasn’t bale to give him everything he wanted so she decided our son would have everything she couldn’t get her son when her was growing up, even though we explained that we weren’t okay with it.

My disagreeing with her led to a big fight between my MIL and my fiancee. He simply tried to explain that we didn’t want our child to have all these things that he didn’t need. She started yelling at him telling him he couldn’t tell her how to be a grandma when he has never been one. She then told us not to speak to her and just let her know if she was a grandma to a boy or girl. And then made a bunch of statuses on Facebook about it. Of course it was all metaphors but we knew what she was talking about.

We didn’t speak to her again until I went into labor. She had asked to be in the room when I gave birth and I had agreed to let her. Of course that was before all the drama happened. At this point I told my fiancee not to even tell her I was in labor until after the baby was born. After all, that was her latest request. He didn’t listen… 

She was in the room while I was in labor. By the end of the whole ordeal, I was naked which made her uncomfortable so she hid in the corner where she couldn’t see anything. She was the only one with a camera but I have no pictures of holding my baby for the first time because she was uncomfortable with me being naked.

My son was having issues breathing so he was taken to the NICU immediately. There they discovered he had Down Syndrome and came to our room to inform us of the diagnosis. They also scheduled xrays to look at his heart as kids with Down Syndrome often have heart problems. We wouldn’t get the results until the following week. 

Our son had to stay in the NICU all day everyday. We had no issue with people coming to visit and never tried to keep anyone from seeing him. However, we were later informed that my MIL was coming in the NICU at 3am to 5am. It wouldn’t bother me if it wasn’t for the fact that we had no knowledge of her doing so. She wouldn’t come by while we were awake. She snuck in while we were sleeping. Her hiding this from us tells me that she felt she was doing something that wasn’t okay with us but decide to lie to us and do it anyway. Even though she felt it would be against our wishes. We confronted her about it and she just said that she didn’t think we would let her see him. Again, she was doing something she felt was wrong in our eyes and never bothered to see if it was okay. I wanted to tell the nurses not to allow her in anymore but I didn’t want to hurt my fiancee so I left it alone.

The next week the xrays came back and it was discovered that our son had a perforated bowel(a hole in his intestine). He had to be life flighted to a childrens hospital two hours away. As we waited for the helicopter to come, I decided to explain to my mom and MIL that we didn’t want anyone to go with us to the hospital. That we wanted to go by ourselves because we wouldn’t be arriving until late that evening so nobody other than my fiancee and I would be allowed in. He was also going to be prepped for surgery and we had no idea how long we would have to wait ourselves to see him. We told them that we just couldn’t handle having to comfort them and keep them calm because they’re both overly emotional people and it would be unfair to us to have to do that.

Of course my MIL was not happy and through a fit about it. But we didn’t cave this time and we just told her we would call her when he was out of surgery and let her know when she could come visit.

We weren’t allowed to go to the helicopter pad to see our son off or to ride with him but one of the nurses offered to take photos of him being loaded up for us. We wouldn’t get out of the children’s hospital for a month in a half. We returned to the original hospital to get the breast milk I had stored there and the pictures the nurse took for us only to be informed that my MIL had already taken them. Without asking and without telling us she had them. Pictures that she had no right to take. She was then of course irate with me for being mad at her for doing so because she felt entitled.

Things calmed down for awhile but that wouldn’t last long. The photographer that took our maternity pictures finally got them all edited and posted. I informed our families that we would make them copies of the pictures should they want some but they would get no more than four. Something my fiancee and I agreed on. But immediately upon receiving this information my MIL called my fiancee to yell at him for “my” decision. She informed him that she was not just anybody and should get as many of our personal intimate photos as she wanted.

When we didn’t back down, she messaged the photographer to purchase them from her. Of course the photographer was a close personal friend so that back fired. At this point I was tired of all the lying and going behind my back that I finally blew up on her. She immediately called my fiancee to tell him he needed to “get me under control” and for him to tell me I couldn’t talk to her the way that I did(I told her that if she didn’t stop acting like a child I would treat her like one and that I don’t trust children to watch babies without adult supervision. Yes, it was mean but nothing else seemed to work…)

She no longer spoke to us and we only saw her at family gatherings. But of course my fiancee, who barely had a relationship with the woman before I cam along, didn’t want things to stay this way so he tried to get her to talk it out. She agreed to talk to us ONLY IF her mother was present. Her mom had to drive over an hour in a blizzard so that we could talk. The whole thing was awkward and of course we were told that we were wrong and that we should compromise. Basically we should live life the way his mother felt we should…

I’m still not understanding why in the world I should compromise on my stance? I talk everything over with my fiancee and we agree on everything. We are the parents and we are the ones who get to decide what’s best for our child and our family right? Being grandma doesn’t entitle you to that privilege does it?

Things once again slowed down and remained calm for awhile. But eventually my fiancee got a new job. A better job. But it meant we would be moving and that we wouldn’t be living in the same town as my MIL(I loved that part of it). She was not happy. She wasn’t happy for her son who was going to be making better money and providing for his family because she is selfish. She even told him that she couldn’t care less if he moved as long as he didn’t take our son with him. What the heck kind of mom would say that to their child? My mom even bought us a house in town so we wouldn’t move away from her but she was still happy for us and proud of my fiancee. 

My fiancee moved in July and we followed later in December when we finally found a place that allowed dogs. During the time that we were separated, I allowed our son to stay with my MIL every Monday evening. In October however, she didn’t get him on her regular Monday because we were visiting my fiancee for his birthday. She texted my fiancee to tell him that she missed our son. At this point she was seeing him every week and my fiancee was only seeing him maybe one weekend a month if he was lucky and she is mad about one day? When his own dad doesn’t get to see him?

She never asked my fiancee how the new job was going. Never asked him how he was or checked up on him to make sure he was doing okay. Never cared to see if us being separated was taking it’s toll on him. She didn’t care to talk to him unless or son was with him. I find it rather disgusting that she cares so little about her own child… 

In November my fiancee proposed to me. When we told her all we got was, “oh, that’s cool…”. She clearly was not excited to hear that I was going to be her daughter in law. We made the big announcement at Thanksgiving. The rest of the family was ecstatic for us. They wanted us to get married the following January. She pretended she didn’t already know we were engaged but she didn’t show any excitement regardless.

Prior to announcing the engagement, we had let our MIL have our son overnight the night before the family thanksgiving gathering. We were informed that they would arrive there at 9am. We arrived there at 11am and they were no where to be found. We had not received any notification that they were going to be late or anything of that nature. When I was upset I was informed that I was overreacting and that I needed to get over myself. I was more than irate with the family…

The finally arrived a quarter to one. When she walked in I tried to get my son and she pulled him away from me and walked right past me. His face was covered in chocolate. He wouldn’t eat lunch so we asked when he ate last and she told us he ate breakfast at 7am. So he had chocolate on his face from 7am breakfast?

So that was not a good experience for us. And I later found out that she was lying about the last time he ate. Why would you lie about something so menial? My soon to be sister in law had come over to bring me boxes to help with the move. We got to talking and I was informed that for almost two years, the step kids were afraid to meet/talk to me because my MIL told them I was a mean horrible person. So they avoided me as much as possible. I was trying really hard to be accepted and she made it impossible. It wasn’t until they were forced to talk to me that they realized she wasn’t honest with her description. I now talk to my sister in laws fairly regularly. 

She also informed me that when we were told that our son ate last at 7am, he really ate last around noon because my MIL didn’t feed him breakfast and he ate donuts the whole hour drive to the family gathering. So we were trying extremely hard to get him to eat because we thought he hadn’t had anything to eat in awhile and he was full on donuts. IT would have saved us so much grief if she was just honest with us.

Now we are all back under the same roof and she has requested that she gets our son on the weekends. As many as we will allow. But we decided that we aren’t going to let her have him on any weekends unless we have something planned. But we aren’t going to make plans so that she can have him. We let her know that we wanted to be treated as a family unit and that we didn’t like that the only thing she cares about is our son. “When can I see him? Can I talk to him on the phone? Can he stay the night here this weekend?” She only wants our son and doesn’t care to include us in any plans which separates us as a family. Something we decided was no longer going to be accepted. When you get one, you get all. 

We told her that we would love to be invited over as a family for family gatherings and outings but we were no longer going to condone her obsession with our son. She even says that she is experience withdrawals from him if she hasn’t seen him in a few hours. Of course she wasn’t happy with this decision and basically kicked us out of her house. We haven’t heard from her since. Luckily my fiancee has decided that we have done all we can to have a relationship with her but she continues to push away so we are done with it. Being grandma does not entitle her to anything. If she refuses to have a relationship with us, the parents of her grandchild, then she has chosen not to have a relationship with him.