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Posts tagged ‘changes’

Destroying a Person

Children. Children are vulnerable people. They are easily destroyed by our words and our actions. Often children are not treated with respect and expected to behave in a manner beyond their years. They are punished, yelled at, and torn down. If, as an adult, people were treated the way children are, they would most likely remove the person tearing them down from their lives. Children often don’t have that choice.

Instead of talking to children on their level, we talk down to them. Make them feel like less of a person. If they make a simple mistake, like spilling their glass of milk, we make it out to be the end of the world. But why? Why do we spend so much time making our kids feel like they are not good enough when we should be making them feel they can do anything? Instead of praising them and letting them know that we are proud of them any chance we get, we are making sure they know every mistake they make and every flaw they have.

When you talk to your kids, do you ever think of how your words are impacting them? A simple “Oh you’re okay.” when they feel hurt can just add to the pain. Dismissing the child’s feelings as if they don’t have any. You certainly wouldn’t do that to an adult. Most people don’t mean it that way, but that’s what it says. A better way to say it is “It will be okay, I’m right here.” Validating the child’s feelings and comforting them to help them past this moment in time.

Don’t get angry with them because they are upset for, what seems to you to be, no reason. Adults get upset all the time. Sometimes they don’t even know why, but they aren’t told to “get over it”, “better stop that crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”, Oh’ you’re fine. Quit being a baby.” Those words hurt. Those words sound like the words of bullies. Why are parents being their child’s first bully?

I guess I just don’t understand how a parent can tear down their child so much. And I don’t understand how they can’t see that they are doing it. When your child comes up to you all excited about something, take a moment to listen to them. Be excited with them. Don’t justify it. Just be excited.

You go to the kitchen to find them trying to make you breakfast in bed. The kitchen is a mess with milk spilled on the floor and eggs shells and yolks everywhere. Don’t get mad. Remember, it’s the thought that counts. Join them in cooking and cleaning up. And request that next time, you would love it more if they came to you for help so you can cook together. Very simple and it doesn’t dismiss they had good intentions, they outcome just wasn’t what they had planned anymore than you. But coming in yelling and screaming is just going to make them think doing nice things like that always ends badly.

And this doesn’t stop with the kids. These kids grow up. They become adults. And as adult, many of them can’t shake the idea that they aren’t good enough. They are still trying to please their parents whom, often times, are still tearing them down. But instead of removing this negative person from their life, they feel they can’t. It’s their parent. They have to make them proud. They have to keep trying.

And they surround themselves with negative people. They feel that what these people say about them is true because it’s how their parents make them feel. And their parents do it out of love so this must be what love feels like. It’s a never ending cycle of negativity. Slowly tearing us apart. Making us feel worthless.

My MIL is one of these people. My fiancee is dealing with cancer and deals with things in his own way, alone. Instead of accepting that and being happy that he is keeping her up to date and that the news is good, she makes sure he knows that what he is doing his killing her. He is fighting a cancer diagnosis and mom is guilt tripping him. Something she does everytime he makes a decision she doesn’t like. How do you think this impacts his life? I can tell you. It takes me days, weeks, sometimes months to build him back up. To make him feel worthy again. That’s just not right.

It is possible to move away from this. Many people do. But many others continue to feel trapped. They have no idea how to get away. Every decision they make is wrong in the eyes of their parents. The people who, for so long, were the only people that mattered in their lives. They have literally spent their whole lives trying to please these people just to come out on the bottom, EVERY time.

Words matter. The way you say something. The way you word a sentence. The tone of your voice. Your body language. It is all saying something. But is it saying what you want it to? Or is it telling people they will never be enough for you? That no accomplishment in their life will ever help them win your love? Make you proud of them? Next time you speak to a child, think about your words carefully. It can make a difference.

Image(Photo found on pinterest)

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Life

Life is unexpected. Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out and under control, BAM! Curve ball! You find out just how strong you are during these times. And for each of us, the curve balls seem never ending and we can’t imagine anyone having it any worse than we do right now.

Funny isn’t it? How we are so consumed in ourselves that, even though we know others have it worse, we can’t see it. If that starving family living on the street isn’t sitting on your porch, it’s as if that issue doesn’t exist. You’re able to push the thought from your mind. And why shouldn’t we? It’s not our problem. We aren’t starving. Those aren’t our kids or our family members.

I really don’t know where I was going with that. I think that if I keep focusing on other people’s issues, I can forget that my life is full of issues in itself. I am very aware that my issues seem trivial to some but to others, when they think of people who have it worse than them, they think “At least I’m not her.”

It’s been awhile since I last posted. Why? Life threw my family yet another curve ball. My fiancee was diagnosed with testicular cancer. It just happened so fast. Appointment on Tuesday, rushed in Wednesday to schedule surgery for Thursday, and now we are recovering. Waiting for today’s oncologists appointment to tell us if the cancer is gone or if they need to take another testicle.

Even if they don’t need to do more surgery, they may recommend he do chemo as a precaution. Chemo can leave him sterile. I know, I’m lucky to have one child and I have one on the way. That’s more than enough and many would give anything for one, but two is a far cry from the 5 or 6 we had envisioned in our future.

Of course there are ways to get those kids aside from the natural way. I’ve always wanted to adopt. But I’m always worried that I won’t feel the same bond for that child as I do my own natural child. That just wouldn’t be fair to do to the child.

Decisions are always hard. I have never been good at making decisions. I’m more of a do what I’m told kind of gal. So life has been pretty hard since it slapped me in the face with a positive pregnancy test in 2011. And I have been so lucky to have an amazing man who has been here every step of the way. Never wavering or straying. Always doing all that he could to ensure I could stay home with our son and future kids like I’ve always wanted.

I know that he is going to be okay. But it’s hard not to think about what could happen. For instance, my fiancee has already made it clear that if I hadn’t forced him to make the appointment in the first place, he would have went one like nothing was wrong. The doctors told him if he had waited any longer it would have spread. We got lucky. But what if we did wait to long? What if it did spread?

I can’t even imagine what my fiancee is thinking. He isn’t one to talk about it, but if I’m freaking out, I don’t know he can’t be. This whole think seems so surreal. It’s still hard to believe it’s even happening.

Not really sure what else to post….. Life ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride… Gotta love Gary Allan.